We have Mr. Diemer to blow the whistle on every time we step in this gluey goop. No, he did not invent gum, but it’s his fault it gained popularity and that things started getting messy.
Now don’t get me wrong, I enjoy a stick or two of gum now and again. In fact, I chewed it almost every day as a child (just ask my dentist). The problem is that used gum never seems to find a trash can. Why throw it away properly when you can stick it to something and ruin another person’s day? Seriously, show me one person who has never stepped in gum and I will show you a levitating man. It’s on the streets and the sidewalks, in parks and under desks and on benches, ready to get on your shoe, in your hair, and on your clothes. It seems like the only place it’s not is in the garbage. It’s out to get you (or at least on you).
So go ahead if you must, chomp away. But if you do chew gum, when you are through with it, make sure it ends up in the land of tin cans and fish bones. You may also swallow it or stick it behind your ear for disposal. Don’t worry: It takes about seven years less than you think to digest. And for Christ’s sake, chew it with your mouth closed.
№091
The United States
For abusing the world’s natural resources.
It’s alarming how quickly human beings are burning through the world’s natural resources. And although it accounts for only 5 percent of the world’s population, the U.S. consumes 26 percent of the world’s energy.
And while I’m at it, shame on you too, Canada—per capita you use more energy than anyone!
As far as Italy is concerned, someone go tell Tony and Bruno they can rub it in all of our faces, because, proportionately, “the boot” consumes the least of all. Way to go, Italia!
America, stop being so American. It just makes you look ignorant, arrogant, and gluttonous. Realize that your carbon footprint and your existence will have a potentially devastating effect on future generations. Take a step, change something in your life, and make the world a better place.
Top five ways to go green in under five minutes:
1. Bring your own bag to the market.
2. Unplug things that stay on for no reason.
3. Do full loads of laundry, not many small ones.
4. Take short showers, not baths.
5. Adjust your thermostat up one degree in the summer and down one degree in the winter.
Now was that so hard?
№092
The New York Mercantile Exchange
For driving up the price of gas.
Okay, okay, I know I said gas was bad and we should find alternative fuels, etc., etc. But let’s be realistic—it ain’t happening anytime soon. So it’s time to dip into the problem… The New York Mercantile Exchange is the world’s largest commodity futures exchange. This is where energy products and other commodities are bought and sold. Oil is among the most heavily traded. Exxon Mobil reported $45.2 billion in profits for 2008. That’s right, $45.2 B-I-L-L-I-O-N in one year. That is $150 for every man, woman, and child in the U.S. How is this possible? I give you the New York Mercantile Exchange to blame. And why? Money, duh!
Maybe I’m missing something here, but it seems to me that the price of gas should be determined by how much it costs to pull the oil from the ground and then refine, transport, and distribute it, plus tax. That should be it, right? Unfortunately, it’s not. Buying and selling oil on speculation at the New York Mercantile Exchange (and London’s ICE Futures) is to blame for the capricious pricing. It has nothing to do with myths of “peak oil” or supply and demand. The process of trading “paper oil” is very opaque. Actually understanding the “who” and “why” is about as transparent as West Texas crude.
We can all agree that gas prices are out of whack and about as stable as Britney’s mental health. The lack of regulation has only enhanced the confusion and greed. The NYME needs a babysitter, that’s all there is to it. We have already learned that we can’t trust greedy businessmen with power. As my high school world history teacher frequently reminded us, “Power corrupts, and absolute power corrupts absolutely.”
№093
The paparazzi
For causing the death of a princess.
Except for Twitter, who cares what Britney ate for breakfast? Not us. Nor do we care what Nicole puked up. And please, TMZ, only report Lindsay’s car accidents that the tabloids don’t cause. Here’s an eye-opener: I’ll bet you heard plenty on Paris’s trip to the slammer. But did you know Kiefer Sutherland served forty-eight days behind bars a couple years ago? If you did, give yourself a gold star. But for the rest of us, I guess he’s just too old, doesn’t have boobs, and hasn’t starred in enough leaked porn videos for us to care.
Saying the paparazzi have gone too far would be like saying Chris Brown only gave Rihanna a light love tap. And by this point, we’re bored with it. All of it. I know it’s hard to feel sorry for some celebs with all that money and fame and such. And you’d probably want to spit on them if you knew their real personalities anyway. But—you don’t. The only personality you know is what’s hyped in the tabloids. That’d be cool if the gossip were true. Because sleeping in an oxygen chamber sounds like fun to me (if for no other reason than to escape the paparazzi). And sure, if it was good enough for Walt, I also want to be cryogenically frozen when I die! And if Mikey died doing it, then I won’t eat Pop Rocks and drink soda either!
But what’s worse is that the paparazzi not only fabricate ridiculous rumors, but they also drive these poor celebrities off the edge. No wonder Britney shaved her head… I would’ve too! Which brings us to the reason for this entry: The paparazzi, in their endless quest for the next headliner, helped killed Princess Diana. Remember? Her car swerved head-on into a pillar inside a tunnel going 65 mph while being chased by the photographers. In 2008, a jury determined that the driver, Henri Paul, and the paparazzi were to blame. Guilty of gross negligent (princess) slaughter.
You destroy lives and you killed a princess. That’s wrong on so many levels. Just so you know, it’s impossible for a car chase to exist if there’s no one pursuing (just ask O.J.). Where are your scruples? Stop being a glorified peeping Tom and ease off. Get a life and try not to destroy one. Quit your day job. If you still want people to hate you, join Greenpeace. And if you still want to work for a non-reputable news source, send your résumé to Fox News.
№094
Los Angeles
For promoting valet parking.
Valet parking is described in the dictionary as a service offered by a hotel, restaurant, etc., through which patrons’ cars are parked by an attendant. Perhaps you’ve never seen this service? You either don’t have a car or never dine out. Either way, if you have not experienced one, you might be labeled a cheap bastard.
Los Angeles started promoting this senseless status symbol in the 1940s. I guess the Hollywood elite felt comfortable driving their own cars, but self-parking was just SO 1930s. Whatever the reason, the tradition somehow stuck, and now we have to pay a minimum of $4.50 at many ordinary restaurants and hotels to be, usually, inconvenienced. Seriously, it doesn’t make me feel any more upper class to have my car parked for me at the Cheesecake Factory.