Don’t get me wrong—there are a few good reasons to valet park. Perhaps there is no other parking available, or it may take longer than fifteen minutes to walk from a self-found parking space, or maybe the weather is bad. In these cases, it’s worth it, and I am all for it! However, many establishments around the country feel they must have mandatory valet parking even though there are huge, nearly empty dedicated parking lots adjacent to the restaurants. This is about as useful as a screen door on a submarine.
What if they skipped the parking part and just cleaned your car, or added some windshield washer fluid, or replaced the breaks, or gave you an alignment? I wouldn’t feel ripped-off if they did that. But no, instead, they just lollygag to your car and bring it back to you in the same or worse condition in which you gave it to them.
Here are the new RIFE laws: Twenty seconds or less or it’s free. If you can physically see your car from the valet stand, then it’s free. If it takes longer to wait for some guy to get the car than it would to walk to it, it’s free. If they don’t run to your car, it’s free. If they stink up the car, it’s probably from the BO caused from running, but it will still be free. I don’t like your cheesecake anyway.
№095
MTV
For making “reality TV” a reality.
MTV (in case you’ve been on a constant Xanax drip since birth) stands for Music Television. MTV had a good thing going with music videos, music news, band interviews, and, in general, shows about—you guessed it—music! So what makes a music TV station put non-music-related reality shows on the air? Brain damage. Every boob tube junkie’s grasp on “reality” was forever changed with the airing of a show called The Real World.
What gets pumped through the idiot box has radically changed since the birth of television. The years have morphed ten channels of simple black-and-white telecasting into plasma simulcasting in HD via satellite. TV used to be my buddy. As a kid I could cuddle up to Mr. Rogers, Sesame Street, and The Smurfs. As I grew up, so did my shows: The Simpsons, Friends, and Seinfeld. But somewhere along the line, reality TV ratings began to soar. We traded in our Family Ties for “real” lives. We swapped our Cheers for realistic tears. Shows like The Bachelor, American Idol, Survivor, and Fear Factor began to dominate prime time. Scripted TV went down faster than Jack Bauer could chug a beer.
I hold MTV responsible. Yeah, there were other reality television shows before, but none that left its audience violently drooling like a crack addict waiting for a visual fix, and none that rotted as many brain cells.
Let’s face it, reality TV is just a way for producers to save a buck by cutting out the middleman in television production—you know, the actors and writers. However, the reality becomes blurred when you realize that these shows are usually scripted, doctored, over-edited, over-shot, and reshot. Unfortunately, this “reality” is about as honest as Tony Soprano’s waste management company.
It wouldn’t be so bad if it were quality programming, but who really wants to see eight three-foot-tall circus midgets competing for the Octomom’s hand in marriage?… Wait a minute, that might be good… I hope I TiVo’d that!
№096
Charles Darwin
For proving God wrong.
Charles Darwin was born in 1809. He was a British naturalist who became famous for his theory of evolution and natural selection. He believed that all life on earth evolved over millions of years from a few common ancestors. He was not the first to have these beliefs, but he was undoubtedly the most famous to bring them to light. His theory of evolutionary selection reveals that variations within species occur randomly and the survival or extinction of each organism is determined by that organism’s ability to survive, adapt, and reproduce in its environment.
On a side note, Darwin’s father almost saved him from ruining it for everyone. His dad nearly prohibited the devout doubter from going on his science expedition in 1831. He was scared it would lead him away from a future in the clergy. Oops! I hope he went to confession after that one.
Holy shit, Chuck! You made us doubt our divine maker. Your theories are in direct conflict with the church and the Bible. And now, ever since this crazy hypothesis, “science” and “religion” can’t play nicely together.
Don’t worry, religion. Evolution is just a theory. It will most likely be forgotten in a few hundred years anyway. It’s not proven, like the Bible is. And it’s not based on something as concrete as faith! Besides, what more does science have to offer than watching miniature volcanoes explode at the science fair?
Don’t worry, science. Religion may still go out of style. I mean, the two largest religions are less than two thousand years old (Islam originated in 610 AD and Christianity in 30 AD). If you are worried, you should start a support group where you can study and read passages from textbooks together. You can meet once a week in your spare time, maybe on Sunday mornings? And even if you’re wrong, I am sure you’ve got equipment that can measure just how hot hell might be.
№$297
Wal-Mart shoppers
For buying a gallon of pickles for $2.97.
The only two Dow Jones stocks to rise in 2008 were Wal-Mart, with an 18 percent gain, and McDonald’s, at 6 percent. Wal-Mart sells more than Target, Sears, Kmart, JC Penney, Safeway, and Kroger combined
What’s wrong with Wal-Mart? Nothing, legally. For the most part, it’s legit. We have to blame capitalism and the consumer for its repugnant reign.
Wal-Mart does everything it can to get its shoppers that low, low price. The Vlasic Pickle Company quickly discovered the power of the giant superstore. Wal-Mart wanted to make a statement for its low prices by selling a gallon jar of pickles for $2.97. Vlasic went along with the idea and the enormous jar sold like crazy. Every store was selling about eighty jars a week. That’s nearly a million gallons of pickles a month. Wal-Mart sure put Vlasic in a pickle with the experiment. It did dramatically increase the pickle company’s sales, but drastically reduced its profits, lowered the company’s image, and adversely affected farmers. Wal-Mart also ruined it for Master Lock and Levi’s in similar ways.
Yes, Wal-Mart is the devil. It’s widely known that it has poor employment strategies, forces local businesses into bankruptcy, squeezes suppliers, promotes overseas manufacturing, destroys nature, and sucks government assistance dry. But who cares? Obviously not consumers. They already know that Wal-Mart is sketchy, yet they shop there anyway. And the government is not going to step in since the company plays by the rules. If you don’t like it, don’t shop there. What would you do with a gallon jar of pickles anyway?
№098