Pamela and Gela of Juicy Couture
For making the velour tracksuit popular.
Pamela Skaist-Levy and Gela Nash-Taylor founded Juicy Couture, a clothing company, in 1994. They started their tracksuit line in 1999. The outfit was an older idea that Juicy decided to make sassy by slapping its logo on the ass and selling it at a really high price point. Pamela and Gela had a smart marketing ploy: They let top celebrities like Madonna shop their line for free. Then the celebs were photographed wearing Juicy Couture’s clothing. After that, the brand and outfit became a smash hit.
Okay, so Juicy Couture did not start bad fashion; it just happened to create one of the worst fashion trends. If you own this ensemble, don’t throw it away (unless you’re a man). You can wear the top or the bottom; just try to refrain from wearing them at the same time. Think about it—have you ever been asked out while wearing this outfit? If so, I am sure the relationship ended with a restraining order.
There has been bad fashion since we stopped walking around naked. Is it Juicy’s fault? Is it the designers’ fault for creating bad fashion? Or is it the consumers’ fault for buying it? Or should we blame Madonna for wearing free shit? Here are some other horrifying fashion faux pas:
• Shoulder pads. (Because looking like a linebacker is just so feminine.)
• Leg warmers. (Thanks a lot, Flashdance!)
• Pants fallin’ off the ass. (It could be worse—men could go back to showing off their bulges.)
• High-waisted “mom” jeans. (Great idea—wear something that makes your ass look bigger!)
• Uggs. (Nothing says fashion like puffy arctic boots in the summertime.)
• Socks with flip-flops. (This was never a trend; it was just stupid. If God wanted you to wear this, he would have made socks like mittens, but he didn’t, so stop doing it.)
• Popped collars. (Ever notice that the preppy douche bag in the movies always has his collar up? Think about it. Even if the style comes back, just say NO.)
№099
Scotland
For giving us our worst Olympic sport.
In case you are not from Canada, curling is an Olympic “sport.” It involves pushing a granite stone on ice and then sweeping brooms in front of it. It takes a tremendous amount of skill and precision. If you wanna play, get some friends together in the wintertime. Grab a push broom, steal a few big flat stones from the neighbor’s yard, and head for the frozen creek. Then take the stones and throw them at your friends’ kneecaps. After that, proceed to beat the shit out of them with the broom for agreeing to play such a stupid game.
Curling is what people did for fun in Scotland in the sixteenth century… Some traditions should just die. I mean, seriously, we let you keep the kilt and bagpipe. The only reason you are not the world’s worst country ever is because you invented Scotch and you’re the birth place of the best James Bond. (No, not Timothy Dalton.)
Curling is basically shuffleboard on ice (that thing that old people play in Florida). If Tampa ever gets to host the Winter Olympics, Grandpa Joe will be a U.S. Olympic hopeful.
Other bad Olympic sports that desperately need eradication:
• Shooting. This is great exercise for ONE eyelid. You don’t break a sweat or have your heart rise above 48 bpm. If you want respect, do the biathlon instead (skiing AND rifle shooting).
• Synchronized swimming. Actually, this takes lots of skill, but nobody cares to watch a few athletes splashing each other while clothed. If you want better ratings, add chicken fights!
• Race walking. Someone check the rule book—I don’t think oxymorons are even allowed…
• Table tennis. We can keep this if they start allowing air hockey and foosball! If not, then let’s yank it from the roster. (But wait till after Biba Golic retires.)
• Diving. Even gays think it’s gay.
• Trampoline. It’s better than diving. But it’s a trampoline. It’s a backyard activity for children. If we keep this, then we should allow badminton and beach volleyball too—oh, wait…
• Equestrian sports. Okay—then do I get to ride on my luck dragon in the 100-meter dash?
№100
Shawn Meneely
For eliminating diving boards.
Imagine, if you will, it is summertime and a fourteen-year-old boy is having a blast at the neighbor’s pool. He and his friends are taking turns jumping off the diving board. The enthusiastic teenager springs off the board and attempts a suicide dive (a suicide dive involves jumping off a board headfirst with your arms at your sides). Quickly after entering the water, his head smashes into the upslope of the pool and he becomes paralyzed for life. This is the tragedy that happened to Shawn Meneely. His parents were crushed and angrily sued the National Spa & Pool Institute, the diving-board manufacturer, and even the pool builder. Shawn won $6.6 million from the NSPI. Now, thanks to the Meneelys and their lawyers, all backyard-pool diving boards have felt the sting of a painful belly flop.
The National Spinal Cord Injury Statistical Center reports that eight hundred Americans are permanently paralyzed as a result of diving accidents every year. More impressively, about three thousand people drown yearly without any help from diving boards. (Maybe it’s time to outlaw pools too.)
The gainer, jackknife, swan dive, flip, and, of course, the CANNONBALL! Everyone got wet when you did that. Those were the days. Your summers were set if you had a friend with a pool and a board. Now diving boards have nearly vanished because of one clumsy boy and his greedy lawyers. I am all for safety and security, but there is a limit and it has gotten ridiculous. STOP taking the fun out of everything! Shit happens regardless. We don’t live in a white-padded-wall world, although with crazy lawsuits like these diving at our sanity, we may all end up there.
Afterward, Mr. Meneely tried to become an advocate for diving board safety—but really, he just became the poster boy for its eradication. So you still want a diving board? Well, too bad, because you need proper pool sizing. I know what you’re thinking—you will just have a pool built to the proper distance and depth. Well, it turns out, if you build it, they WON’T come. No insurance company will underwrite a diving board. And it doesn’t matter, because builders won’t install one. Thanks for the memories!
№101
The apple
For making sin so tasty.
Here’s the story: God was bored and needed some company. So he grabbed some clay and made Adam. God then created a garden for Adam to live in, called Eden. After that he created some cool animals for Adam to hang with. However, God felt a bit guilty because Adam had no one to mack on. So God decided to play matchmaker, grabbed a rib, and made Eve. Then he laid down the ground rules… The first rule of Eden: You do not eat from the Tree of Good and Evil. The second rule of Eden: You DO NOT eat from the Tree of Good and Evil! But they ate from it anyway. As a result, God kicked them out and cursed women to forever have horrible pain during childbirth.
Then God felt guilty again, so he created the epidural.
Why did the pesky apple have to be so enticing in the first place? Now all of humankind is a bunch of no-good sinners all because of some mouthwatering Golden Delicious. But let’s be realistic, it had some help…