But there is nothing we can do about it now, so wipe that tear from your eye, because TSA might not let you carry it on.
№008
Tropicana
For making OJ NOT taste like oranges.
Ever notice that your local grocery store will sometimes have an incredible deal on strawberries? I am sure you already know why; it’s because they are “in season.” It was the best time to harvest a few weeks prior to the sale and the grocery store overbought, so they try to force-feed you with crazy-good deals. Well, all fruits and vegetables have an optimal harvesting season. The popular, and best-tasting, Valencia oranges grown in Florida are certainly not exempt from this rule. The primary picking time for this tasty citrus fruit is from March until June. So how do Tropicana and other orange juice companies make consistent-tasting juice year round? Well, they cheat by using “flavor packs.” These flavor “enhancers” are made by flavor and fragrance companies, the same ones that make your perfume, soap, and deodorant smell good. You will not find these ingredients printed on the juice box, since they use orange essence and oil and are technically part of the orange. However, chemically altered orange peel is certainly NOT nature intended juice to be made of.
More than six hundred and twenty million gallons of orange juice are sold every year in the U.S. Unfortunately, 99 percent of it does not taste like real squeezed oranges. If you were drinking “real” orange juice, the flavor would vary with the seasons (and you would also get the benefits of 30 percent more vitamins).
In the eighties, Tropicana ruined it by convincing everyone that “not from concentrate” meant “fresher.” And then it changed from “concentrate” to “pasteurized,” which was another marketing ploy. “Pasteurized” simply sounds even more fresh, but, ironically, it doesn’t make it fresher; it only means the liquid content has not been removed. Here’s what they do: They rapidly heat the juice, remove the oxygen, and then store it. This process strips the juice of most of its flavor. After that, the juice is stored for up to a year before fake “flavor” is added, and then the juice is sold.
Do yourself a favor—take a Valencia orange, squeeze it, and then do a taste test with store-bought, pasteurized, not-from-concentrate orange juice. Your taste buds will be angry. So don’t forget to drink your morning dose of vitamin C. And remember, the “C” stands for Conned!
№009
Gordon Dancy
For replacing paper with plastic.
Indirectly, Mr. Dancy is responsible for the question “Will that be paper or plastic?” In the late 1970s, Gordon Dancy invented the plastic grocery bag for good reasons. At the time, people were concerned about saving trees. As in most circumstances, fixing one problem inevitably created another. Unfortunately, this quick fix was NOT thought through:
• Plastic bags are not biodegradable, and less than 5 percent are recycled.
• Americans throw away twelve thousand plastic bags per second.
• U.S. consumers use one hundred billion plastic bags each year, which equals twelve million barrels of oil.
This doesn’t mean choosing paper is the solution. Both—paper and plastic—emit harmful gases during production. Paper weighs more and, in turn, requires more fuel in its nationwide delivery. And only about 20 percent of paper bags are actually recycled.
Is “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” the answer? Recycling is great, but it encourages overconsumption. Reusing is paramount. And, if you are among the 65 percent of Americans who are overweight, give “reducing” a try too.
Gordon, you really ruined it for everyone. Not only are plastic bags unsightly trash blowing through our neighborhoods, they have been proven detrimental to our environment and will NEVER biodegrade.
BTW, the correct answer to the “paper or plastic” question is: NEITHER! In case you missed the memo, the best thing is to carry a reusable bag. They sell these bags at ALL grocery stores for cheap, so buy some. Or, if you want to splurge, get some cool ones at www.envirosax.com. They look cool, scrunch down to about nothing, hold tons of swag, and last forever. Store them in your car or carry them with you and use them.
№010
Ronald Clark O’Bryan
For making us fear Halloween candy.
Every year, many rumors and myths about candy tampering and poisoning during Halloween time resurface. The delicious dark holiday has been plagued by worries of candy contamination for decades. Parents fear that some madman will poison and distribute candy to unsuspecting boys and girls during their yearly trick-or-treating. There most certainly have been some scares, as well as false accusations. However, rest assured, there have been no “true” cases of random Halloween poisoning.
Nonetheless, someone has used the myth to try to get away with murder…
Okay, so Ronald O’Bryan did not invent the urban legend, but we have to blame someone, and he is about as nasty as someone can get. Long story short, he poisoned his own son with cyanide-laced Pixy Stix and blamed it on an aimless Halloween treat-giver. It turns out O’Bryan was just trying to collect on a large insurance policy he took out on the poor kid. He was found guilty and put to death, appropriately, by lethal injection.
Murder is one thing. Murdering a child is another. But putting the hit on your OWN son? Jokes fail me in this instance.
Another young boy, five years old, supposedly ate cruel counterfeit confections on All Hallows’ Eve. But it turned out that story was just a cover-up. He accidentally poisoned himself with his uncle’s all-too-accessible heroin stash. To throw off the police, the family sprinkled the drug on some candy after the child died. This brings the tally up to zero random psychos giving out tainted goodies on the frightful holiday. Which, statistically speaking, actually makes it safer to take candy from a stranger than from your own family. Nevertheless, parents still spend countless hours checking the safety of their kids’ sweet stash every year for apparently no reason. Some even go to the airport to get the candy X-rayed. It has all been fueled by rumors, assumptions, and assholes like Ronald Clark O’Bryan.
№011
Al Gore
For telling us about global warming.
The world as we know it is coming to an end. By the year 2023, all ocean water will have boiled away. Al Gore tells similarly shocking information regarding global warming in his painfully revealing movie An Inconvenient Truth. If you haven’t seen it, don’t. Your time will be better spent building a fallout shelter for when the sky starts raining lava. If you hurry, you might just make it.