On the other hand we have Michael Kennedy. Thanks, Mikey. You died hitting a tree while playing ski football. What is ski football, you ask? It’s apparently a deadly skiing game you play when you want to avoid statutory rape charges from an alleged affair with the family’s underage babysitter.
The more recent tragedy that happened to the Thuringian minister-president and a forty-one-year-old woman only confuse matters more. The helmet-less woman died instantly during a collision with the heavily headed, helmet-wearing prime minister. Now we see that headgear can kill too.
Take note, usually people who die while skiing do it by going way too fast and hitting a tree. Here is an idea: If you want to avoid death, don’t do that! Slow the fuck down, and if you see a trunk—turn.
№02000
McGraw-Hill
For promoting the Y2K fear.
Y2K stands for: [Y]ou’ve got [2] be [K]idding!
In 1996, McGraw-Hill Publishers changed the name of a 1984 nonfiction book and rereleased it as The Year 2000 Computing Crisis. The book took as its focus the number of software programs that stored years as two digits instead of four—for example, 99 instead of 1999—and discussed the potentially devastating effects this would have on our computer-run world when the clocks rolled over at midnight at the turn of the millennium and long-working computer systems broke down. As most of you well know, it was blown more than slightly out of proportion. So if you are still in your bomb shelter, you can come out now. It was all a hoax.
If FDR were alive in the late nineties, he would have revised his statement to say, “We have nothing to fear but Y2K itself!” The whole world thought we would be swallowed by a black hole and transported to some Amish farm in Ohio when the ball dropped for the new millennium. Many stocked up on food, water, and guns waiting for the apocalyptic computer meltdown. If you weren’t at least a little scared, you were lying. Some even withdrew their life savings from their banks and hid it under their ammunition crates (little did they know they were eight years too early).
The showdown between the modern world and a couple of forgotten computer code digits was quite anticlimactic. The only winners in the cyber-war were a couple of overstocked army surplus stores, a bunch of pocket-protector-wearing techies, and, of course, McGraw-Hill. About the only thing that happed was that London’s Millennium Wheel failed to operate (but for unrelated reasons). Thanks for the good times!
№021
Alcohol
For being the devil’s nectar.
Alcoholism was declared an illness by the American Medical Association in 1956. E.M. Jellinek wrote a book called The Disease Concept of Alcoholism in 1960, further exploring the topic.
Even the National Council on Alcoholism and Drug Dependence believes alcoholism is a mental addiction that drives someone to drink. Alcohol has such a stronghold on humans that the U.S. government even tried to outlaw liquor during Prohibition, but it just didn’t stick. The sauce kept calling us back!
If a drunk were to explain the effects of alcohol, he’d tell you what’s what (probably while slurring and uncontrollably spitting in your face). Alcohol could force you to lose your job, your girlfriend, and your license. It may enable sexual relations with unsightly riffraff. It can give you headaches and mood swings, and it can make you puke or black out, and even poison you. It can take control of your motor skills, forcing you to stick your hand where it doesn’t belong. It makes you say things you’ll regret and causes bad breath. It also inhibits your ability to operate heavy machinery. I even had a buddy in college who was forced by alcohol to pee his pants in his sleep… (Okay, it was me. I did it. And that poor futon was never quite the same.)
Some people have the audacity to disagree with the claims that alcoholism is a disease and an addiction. Obviously, they were never left alone in a college dorm room with a full bottle of cinnamon schnapps when they were sixteen years old. Hell, you might even believe that alcohol was an airborne disease if you saw the way that firewater jumped from the bottle to my throat.
Well anyway, if you ever find yourself lying on a park bench covered with newspapers and reeking of your own vomit after being kicked out of the house, you can blame alcoholism for being a disease. But mostly, you can blame doctors for NEVER finding a cure. Cheers!
№022
The inventor of plastic packaging
For causing unnecessary ER visits.
Okay, after extensive and exhaustive research (twenty minutes of searching on Google), the inventor of plastic packaging could not be uncovered. Apparently the creator is so ashamed of his creation, he has gone to great lengths to conceal his identity. Well, whoever you are, we still loathe you.
The fact is, plastic packaging sucks. I am referring to the vacuum-sealed clamshell kind. You know the type, the one that appears to be superglued around all the edges, making it nearly impossible to extract what’s inside.
This near-lethal packaging puts about six thousand Americans in the emergency room every year with sliced arteries and dangling fingers in critical need of stitches. With seasonal gift giving, a noticeable spike in emergency room visits occurs around Christmastime.
Prior to opening these packages, you should consider calling the fire department for assistance, because you need nothing less than the Jaws of Life to break into the casing. If you do it yourself, you may still be speed-dialing emergency services after you sever your finger with a utility knife.
Apparently this type of packaging reduces theft. Whoop-de-fuckin’-doo! Get some magnetic buzzers like everyone else. It is dangerous, consumers hate it, and the additional plastic is certainly not helping our environment.
And if anyone finds out who invented this shit, let me know.
№023
O.J. Simpson’s (first) jury
For letting a guilty man walk free.
On July 22, 1994, O.J. Simpson answered the question “How do you plead?” at his arraignment with “Absolutely 100 percent not guilty, your honor.” The prosecution thought it had substantial evidence to convict the ex-football hero. But after months of drama, the trial ended. Half of all Americans watched live to hear the verdict agree with Simpson’s original not-guilty plea. The rest of the world was dumbfounded.
Over a year later, a civil trial jury unanimously found O.J. liable for the wrongful deaths of Goldman and Brown. He was ordered to pay $33 million in damages.
It is estimated that you have better than a two-to-one chance of getting away with murder. So if you are looking for a little extra shove to snuff out that irksome spouse, and you have the bankroll for first-rate counsel, the odds are scarily favorable for you to get away with murder. Just make sure you do it in America, where your chance is about 58 percent. Your odds to dodge a conviction in other countries are less favorable: Britain, 26 percent; Russia, 10 percent; China, 2 percent; and Japan, 0.03 percent.