As it turns out, this is another one of those, “How did we not see this thing coming?” moments. Not only is BP really terrific at filling up the gulf with hazardous sludge, but they are also really crafty at breaking safety records and paying fines to avoid criminal prosecution. During the past few years, OSHA slapped BP with 760, of what they call, “egregious and willful” safety violations. Whereas Sunoco, Conoco-Phillips, Citgo, and Exxon only had 19 combined. And remember, these oil giants weren’t exactly at the top of Mother Theresa’s holiday mailing list either.
So if you see something dark brown floating in the water, I’ll bet you some black gold that you’re either in a Bill Murray movie or you’re sitting on a beach in the Gulf of Mexico. Be sure to thank BP for skimping on the ounce of prevention that could have been worth barrels of cure.
№028
Chinese boys
For being so valuable.
In China, girls rule and boys duel. Here’s the problem: In 1979, Chinese ruler Deng Xiaoping introduced the one-child policy because his country’s population was growing out of control. The law stayed in effect for thirty years. Essentially, the Chinese government would punish couples with ridiculous fines for having more than one child. It even forced sterilization or IUD insertion after a mother had her first child. What was the fallout? For every one hundred girls born, there were one hundred and twenty boys born. The problem was that most Chinese couples preferred boys and went to great lengths to have one.
So why are there so many extra Y chromosomes in the communist nation? Don’t ask, ’cause you really don’t want to know. But I can tell you that now ultrasounds are illegal in China. You can still get one in some cases, but the doctors won’t tell you the baby’s sex. Also, two doctors must be present during the procedure, and everyone is watched on closed-circuit TV. Say cheese!
So what makes boys so valuable in China? Isn’t the song called “Thank Heaven for Little Girls”? You see, birthing a son allows a couple to carry the family legacy. But even more, bearing a boy is the parents’ retirement plan. It’s expected that male children will support their parents in old age. That makes sense… nobody wants to end up in a rest home (see RIFE №080).
What does all of this mean? Well, right now there are thirty-two million more boys than girls under the age of twenty in China. And those boys will need brides (or at least some action). But they aren’t going to be finding it… Enter the crime scene. Some Chinese parents and criminals go to unthinkable lengths to profit from this bad situation. Boys are kidnapped and sold to sonless parents. Girls are sold overseas or kidnapped, raised, and forced into marriage. And soon there will be an excessive imbalance of elderly people needing support. And all these poor boys will be competing over a few higher-paying jobs and even fewer women. I hope China has a plan for this mess. If not, the government better start drafting for Catholic priesthood and give serious tax rebates for gay marriages.
№029
Dick Fuld
For being a greedy CEO.
If the three magic words in real estate are “location,” “location,” and “location,” then the magic words in corporate America must be “greed,” “greed,” and “greed.”
Lehman Brothers Holdings Inc. was a worldwide financial services firm founded in 1850. If it involved money, banking, or lending, Lehman was doing it—and doing it with a vengeance. The financial company had been on the express train until its startling demise in 2008, when it fell limp.
Dick Fuld was the last chairman and CEO of Lehman Brothers. This pud rammed a hundred-and-fifty-year-old company into the ground because of his gluttonous greed. During his fourteen years of leading Lehman to bankruptcy, his total compensation was around $500 million.
Dick, you certainly live up to your name. You really ruined it for everyone. You got fat stacks while at the same time dicking over your company—not to mention giving the shaft to America’s economy. This peckerhead promoted subprime mortgages to unqualified borrowers, and then spooged out even more money by turning the risky debt into bonds. These sketchy debts went sour and brought the world to its knee pads. Pricks like Dick have led the world to financial disaster, and they’re the reason the U.S. dollar isn’t worth a single square of toilet paper.
Mr. Fuld fooled us all. I guess he forgot that it was America’s economy he was playing with, not a game of pocket pool. So keep your eye out for cheats like him. Remember, if it seems too good to be true, then it probably is. And if you are a conglomerate, make sure you pay your CEOs appropriately, judging their success on length, not girth.
№030
Thomas Monaghan
For ending thirty-minutes-or-it’s-free pizza.
I want my pizza hot and delivered to my stoop in under thirty minutes or I ain’t paying for it, DAMMIT! When we were kids, we used to wait by the door with a stopwatch! Those were the days of pizza hot and fast. Too bad—that era is long gone.
Domino’s Pizza was founded in 1960, and it began the “30 Minutes or It’s Free” campaign in 1973. Thomas Monaghan, the founder of Domino’s Pizza, decided to pull the twenty-year-long campaign in 1993. At that time, a couple of lawsuits were decided against his company because the guarantee promoted reckless employee driving. One accident, resulting in death, fetched $2.8 million, while another driver, whose head and back were injured, was awarded $78 million.
Thomas shouldn’t have caved in so easily. And he should have hired better lawyers. Don’t get me wrong, I usually root for the little guy, but hell, so many large companies become such magnets for huge lawsuits that you can’t help but feel a little remorse for them. Regardless, he’s the reason you can’t get fast pizza anymore.
It sucks when your stomach is growling and you know the pizza is going to be late, and most likely cold. Nonetheless, try to give Domino’s a break. I know it’s hard, but try not to take it out on the delivery guys, as they are only human. Besides, you’d lose your appetite anyway if a family of four’s blood ended up splattered on your pizza box.
And if you STILL want pizza in under thirty minutes, move to India, Israel, or Mexico, because Domino’s still has the guarantee there!
№031
Guabntánamo Bay
For producing terrorists.
If we only knew the real facts… This account is more of a guesstimate.
The Guantánamo Bay detention facility consists of several prison camps operated by the United States in Cuba. It has been in operation since 1987 and is scheduled to close down during the Obama administration. The lockup has been under scrutiny for torturous interrogation techniques since the Bush administration.
Imagine for a minute that you are captured by another government’s military. You are treated worse than a Michael Vick voodoo doll in the hands of PETA. You’re then flown halfway around the world to a place you’ve never heard of. There you are locked up, interrogated, and tortured for something you may or may not have done. You are held without charges and without a trial. All around you see countless victims being violated and grotesquely treated. This goes on for six years before you are released. What would you do about it? Seek revenge?