I’m sure you can find some studies to support claims that prison camp detainment and torture builds excellent leadership qualities. Thanks, America—you are creating super-terrorists!
Rumsfeld, Cheney, and Bush promoted torture and violence in the wake of 9/11. This “us or them” attitude was wrong. Especially when we didn’t know who “they” were! It’s just adding fuel to the fire!
Then again, it takes one kind of person to suggest torture, and a totally different type to implement it. The U.S. soldiers who carried out these inhumane orders should be ashamed. Who did you think you were? Jack Nicholson? Trust me—we can handle the truth. Were you so brainwashed that you couldn’t see right from wrong? I admire and appreciate that you protect our country, but try to be a human being too.
Here’s the problem: If the prisoners were not terrorists prior to being detained, you can bet your waterboard they will be once they’re freed. Job well done!
№032
Tweekers
For putting Sudafed behind the counter.
A tweeker is someone who uses methamphetamines, a.k.a. crystal meth. It is one dirty drug. It’s usually smoked, but can be injected, snorted, or even shoved up the ass (with or without Richard’s gerbil). After the drug is taken, meth enters the bloodstream and stimulates the dopamine receptors. This makes the user enter a state of euphoria for up to twelve hours. The “high” is similar to cocaine but lasts much longer.
Sudafed, and other brands of decongestants, contain one of the ingredients used in the manufacture of crystal meth. The pseudoephedrine is cooked out of these medicines and is then combined with other agents to make the drug. This means people who make crystal meth need to get their hands on as much Sudafed as possible. And therein lays the problem.
So your nose is stuffed up? Well then, when you get to the drugstore, head toward the pharmacy counter, because you will not find any useful medicine on the shelves. And don’t forget your ID, because you will get carded. And I hope it’s not a lingering cold, because you are only allowed nine grams per month. Law enforcement has also added MethCheck software to most pharmacies. So if everyone in your family gets a cold or your allergies flare up, you may just be investigated for cooking meth.
Thanks a lot, tweekers! Luckily, your punishment fits your nasty lifestyle. Your body will get sores all over and your teeth will crack and rot out, and you’ll have the sensation of bugs crawling all over you skin. Are you feeling itchy?
№033
Chaka
For graffiti-covered cities.
Chaka, a.k.a. Daniel Ramos, was an infamous graffiti tagger in the early nineties. He got his name from a furry little character found on the TV show Land of the Lost. Every night, from 11 PM to 5 AM, Ramos would arm himself with about eight stolen cans of black and silver spray paint. He tagged signs and buildings throughout the West Coast with CHAKA. It was estimated by authorities that the tagger painted his name on ten thousand surfaces, resulting in more than $500,000 in property damage (although he later claimed the number to be closer to forty thousand tags).
After the conviction, he was sentenced to three years probation and fifteen hundred hours of community service (graffiti cleanup). Later, he was busted for trespassing on an L.A. city golf course and for possession of marijuana. He had another brush with the law in 1998, when he got caught stealing shoes at a department store. He was sentenced to jail for fifteen months. The tagger even had the audacity to scratch his name inside the elevator of the courthouse he was tried in.
Brilliant, Ramos. Because of you and taggers like you, spray paint is now under lock and key. You cluttered cities with senseless graffiti and you stole thousands of cans of spray paint. Now, to this day, we have to track down a sales clerk just to buy some damn paint.
Unfortunately, Ramos gave a great art form a bad name.
Luckily, Chaka has been out of the limelight for a while. However, he resurfaced to do an art show in Los Angeles in April 2009. I just hope he keeps his paint on the canvas this time. And by the way, I hope Chaka doesn’t leave his art unattended in the wee hours of the night…
№034
Mark David Chapman
For robbing us of John Lennon.
On December 8, 1980, Mark David Chapman shot John Lennon three times in the back and once in the shoulder. This bloody display happened outside of Lennon’s New York apartment late in the evening. One of the bullets pierced Lennon’s aorta, resulting in severe blood loss. Police officers rushed him to the hospital in their cruiser. Unfortunately, he was pronounced dead on arrival.
After Chapman shot Lennon, he stayed at the scene, pulled out his copy of The Catcher in the Rye, and waited for the police to arrive. He was willingly apprehended. Later, at the station, he actually told the police, “I’m sure the large part of me is Holden Caulfield, who is the main person in the book, the small part of me must be the devil.” (Yeah, I don’t know what that means either… I think the book’s a good read, but it doesn’t cause demonic possession!)
Chapman was sentenced to twenty years to life. He has been denied parole five times.
Mark Chapman shocked the world with his ungodly actions. Not only did he destroy a rock legend, he also assassinated an icon for peace. John Lennon used his fame wisely to promote social change and hope. His antiwar message prompted the era’s younger generation to be active and aware of the world around them. John Lennon’s ideals will live on in his music, even if we’re forced to soldier on without him.
In 2008, Chapman gave an interview and admitted he was sorry for shooting Lennon. He said he was feeling like a “nobody” and just wanted to be something other than that. Well, congratulations, you got your wish. The next time you need attention, try setting yourself on fire.
№035
Katherine Harris
For giving us our dumbest president.
Katherine Harris was Florida’s secretary of state and a key figure in the controversial 2000 U.S. presidential election between Al Gore and George W. Bush. It was initially thought that Bush won by a large margin. However, much to the dismay of Fox News, the actual results ended up much closer. Bush had only won by a handful of votes and this triggered recount hysteria.
Everyone waited anxiously to see who would be awarded the presidency. During the process, we found out that Harris had many ballots tossed out due to voter error and inferior counting machinery. She also unjustly denied voter registration to thousands prior to the election (most of whom were Democrats). In an effort to disrupt the recount, Katherine halted attempts at hand recounts, which led to her being challenged in court. At first she was victorious, but then the Florida Supreme Court overturned the ruling. After that, the U.S. Supreme Court stuck its judicial nose into the fiasco and stopped the recount again. It ruled in favor of Gore for a continued recount but, ironically, decided that time had run out and declared Bush the victor.