Junie repeats she’s inviting me for dinner tomorrow night, not just to talk but there’s this friend she’d like me to meet & I say I’m busy. Well, the night after that?—& I’m busy. & she’s pissed saying what’s the big deal in your life, Quentin? don’t bullshit me. Saying, you’re involved with—who? & I’m watching TV & don’t hear. & she says, serious now, You know what I’m afraid of, Quentin?—one of your secret associates, some druggie will injure you one of these days, that’s what I’m afraid of. For Mom & Dad’s sake. Because you’re too naive & you’re too trusting like it’s the Sixties or something & you’re too plain God-damned stupid to know your own best interests.
The Dodge Ram bounces over the landscape. Fade to assholes in baseball uniforms, Tiger Stadium, Detroit.
Now I know the final step. Eating the second burrito I’m not even hungry for but I’m ravenous, my mouth is alive by itself & devouring what’s in my hand. On the way to GROUND ZERO in four days. Like a jigsaw puzzle part that’s been missing & now I have it & the puzzle is complete.
Went down into the cellar & shut & locked the door behind me. & into the old cellar, & shut & secured the door. & there were the BABY CHICKS like I’d dreamt them except they were real! CHEEP CHEEP CHEEPING. & no fear of me. & I changed their water (in aluminum foil saucers) in each of the boxes & picked out some of the droppings & sprinkled bread pellets & grain for them. & though only a week or so old these BABY CHICKS pecked hungrily & unerringly & could take care of themselves like adult birds. For all their lives were just eating. & that was provided for them.
Counted them for the hell of it. Each cardboard box, twelve BABY CHICKS. Thirty-six BABY CHICKS. They were all still alive.
45
Next day, asked Grandma could I borrow $$$ for a down payment on a Dodge Ram?—my old Ford is so beat-up & the garage says it will cost more to repair (brakes & carburetor) than it is worth. & Grandma says Quentin, of course! & smiling & her bony hands trembling a little as she writes out the check. It’s a loan, I say. I will pay you back. & Grandma laughs Oh Quentin. They want somebody to love & live for—women. It doesn’t matter who like it would with a man. & for lunch preparing big grilled cheese sandwiches for me crossed with strips of crisp bacon I was crazy for as a boy visiting Grandma. & Grandma sips her piss-colored tea & takes her “heart pills” as she calls them. I feel I’ve just gotten to know you, Quentin. This summer. God works in unexpected ways doesn’t He!
Saying, This is just between you & me, Quentin. Our little secret!
I’m hungry, & I’m eating. & the check in my shirt pocket. Since making my decision I’ve had the best appetite in years & needed a new notch in my belt this morning. On double ’ludes my heart is calm & strong & pounding steady & the pulse of it sharp in my cock. GROUND ZERO so close it is almost like it has happened. & when I return to 118 North Church Street MY ZOMBIE SQUIRREL will be awaiting me in the cellar. Food & drink & a full-length mirror for his (& his master’s) use. SQUIRREL’s worshipful green eyes, & pigtail so sexy. & that MOUTH made for kisses & sucking. & that worshipful ASS. & Grandma is saying a tremor in her voice the only thing left to make her life complete, she would die happy then, if Junie or me, or both of us she loves so would get married & have children & the lineage would not die out. Such proud good upstanding decent Christian men & women were our ancestors Grandma says. & we go:
“Quentin?—nothing would make me happier.”
“What’s that, Grandma?”
“I said—nothing would make me happier, if you would marry one day soon, & have children.” Brushing at her eyes & laughing sadly, saying, “I know I’m an old woman & it’s none of my business to interfere with you young people’s lives.”
“No Grandma, that’s O.K.”
“I know it is too much to ask. Just to make an old woman happy.”
“No Grandma, that’s O.K.”
“I know—the world is so different now.”
& I’m licking cherry-swirl ice cream from the spoon looping my tongue around the spoon saying, “Grandma, hey no. Don’t cry. The world is not ever that different.”
46
HOW THINGS PLAY OUT. Purchased the Dodge Ram, Aug. 23. Cheated in the trade-in (got only $1300 for the Ford) but in no position to bargain. Dark green-brown finish & solid good-looking chassis standing higher from the ground, more macho than the Ford, & four-wheel drive of course. & more horsepower than the Ford, & roomier in the rear. Practiced driving it using gears, lights etc. & the airconditioning system which is complicated. Purchased a dozen dark-green plastic garbage bags to tape over the rear windows & no American flag decal this time—maybe I will add one later. & a new bumper sticker I’D RATHER BE SAILING. Most of Aug. 24 laying in supplies in the cellar & cistern. Ice pick, dental pick, knives of varying sizes all newly sharpened. Iodine & gauze & bandages etc. Easy foods for SQUIRREL to eat & digest & Evian water & blankets & a piss-pot (a ceramic pot from up in the attic, might be an antique?) & toilet paper etc. & the full-length mirror (also from the attic). Also preparing the van. Securing a plywood partition between the second seat & the rear. In the back seat, another T-shirt, a pair of jeans, box of Froot Loops for quick energy & more Evian water & three bottles of dago red in paper bags. Back of the van, gloves & sponge-gag & rolls of masking tape & rope & the burlap sack & waterproof canvas for the floor, & more garbage bags. I did not want the rear of my new van soiled. (There was no plan for blood to spill in the van, & I hoped that would not happen, but a specimen will panic even the bravest ones sometimes & lose bowel control.) & my fish-gutting knife. (My .38 pistol I would carry in my pocket.) & selected my TODD CUTTLER curly red-brown hair & smooth moustache not touched for years. Ate at Burger King up the street & stopped by a college tavern & had only a few beers & talked to no one & early to bed, only a single ’lude & slept like a baby. Aug. 25 woke 6:20 A.M. excited & cock like an electric baton & had to jerk off twice & the cum was hot as lava. Burger King Special Breakfast $3.99 & I cleaned my plate & had so much coffee I got a caffeine buzz & it felt good. Household chores as usual. Said hello etc. to Big Black Guy (who is always in the kitchen frying something dark & greasy in a pan) & I believe I handled him O.K. To make them think, if they hate whitey, you are not really whitey but something else. Showered & put on MT. VERNON U. T-shirt, white cotton with green letters & Indian tomahawk logo. Beltless khaki work-shorts, socks & jogging shoes. Called Grandma as planned. It is Thursday, I am expected to mow part of the lawn. But Grandma asked please would I pick up her dear friend Mrs. Thatch & bring her over?—for I had done so in the past, & never minded. & so stammered O.K. & then it was too late.